This Just About Sums It Up…
Posted on 12 December 2006, at 12:48 am, by Judie Lipsett
Some back-story on my mom: She is the queen of forwarding questionable email advice that includes every popular urban legend imaginable. It got so bad for a while that I would simply respond to each message with a Snopes link. 
So tonight my mother (of all people) sent this to me…and some of these made me laugh out loud. I figured I might as well share.
If you’ve already received this email (from my mom – ha!), then just ignore this post…
SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he’s told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, and don’t forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…
Have a wonderful day….
A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late!
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December 12th, 2006 at 2:35 am
Lol!!!!
I have to say Gmail has been very good to me. I have gotten maybe 3 spam emails in the last year!!! The rest are dumped in my spam box automatically
December 12th, 2006 at 4:42 am
Thank you thank you thank you! That made me laugh really hard. I even took my hand off the mouse!
December 12th, 2006 at 7:25 am
Mitchell, that’s the problem – these are never SPAM in the classic sense…they are emails that freinds and family have forwarded from their friends and family…so they usually get through.
Alison…I took my hand off the mouse too.
ha ha!!
December 12th, 2006 at 11:26 am
Hilarious! I plan on sending this to everyone I know this year. It’s so true, too.
On a little more serious note, I too used to receive every questionable FWD in the world from my mother-in-law. Sometimes I would send a Snopes rebuttal, but eventually gave up. She would not be dissuaded. Some of them were even funny. Then, last year, a day after our son’s birth, she unexpectedly had a heart attack and passed away. Even though at the time I rolled my eyes and complained to my wife about her mother, I really miss those emails now.
I’m not trying to rain on any parade, just a gentle reminder that even being annoyed is a nice reminder of the ones we love.
December 12th, 2006 at 11:30 am
You are absolutely right about the reminder.
December 13th, 2006 at 1:40 am
Hahaha XD
“A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.” — Or maybe we like being able to scroll down!