photo credit: JaeYong, BAE

AT&T’s did their very best to make it totally, unambiguously clear that they played no part in GoogleVoice-gate. Yes two apps were rejected after they were approved but it was all Apple. So what can Apple do after being thrown under the bus by their “partner”? Why throw the truth under the bus as well, of course.

Seriously, they have some pretty smart lawyers but even I read some of this and thought “you’re kidding right?” Then I read it a second time and the “REAL MEANING” began to emerge. As a service to our readers We have run Apple’s response to the FCC through our Gear Diary Translator. What emerges is a letter that has a far truer ring to it than the one originally submitted.

Let’s take a look at the letter without the “Apple-speak”.

What was written… “We are pleased to respond to the Wireless Telecommunications Bureau’s inquiry dated July 31, 2009″

What was meant… “WTF? Don’t you know we’re Apple??? Questioning us? Challenging our decisions? Seriously? We’re Apple!”

What was written… “Apple’s goal is to provide our customers with the best possible user experience.”

What was meant… “Our stuff is awesome! We know it and you know it. And we want to give our customers the best user experience possible. How do they know it is the best user experience possible? Because we TELL them it is.”

What was written… “The iPhone is a great example of this. It has established a new standard for what a mobile device can be—an integrated device with a phone, a full web browser, HTML email, an iPod, and more, all delivered with Apple’s revolutionary multi-touch user interface.”

What was meant… The iPhone is awesome. DO NOT MESS WITH IT!!! Remember… we’re Apple!”

What was written… “The App Store provides a frictionless distribution network that levels the playing field for individual and large developers of mobile applications.”

What was meant… “The App Store is our baby so hands off. We built it, we run it and we’ll do with it whatever we want to do. Why? Because we’re Apple dammit!”

What was written… “We provide every developer with the same software that we use to create our own iPhone applications.”

What was meant… “We provide every developer with the same software that we use to create our own iPhone applications. The boundaries for which apps are and aren’t okay is also freely available via multi-language mental telepathy.“

What was written… “We created an approval process that reviews every application submitted to Apple for the App Store in order to protect consumer privacy, safeguard children from inappropriate content, and avoid applications that degrade the core experience of the iPhone.”

What was meant… “Are you people dense?? Okay we’ll tell you this one more time but that’s it… The App Store is our baby. We built it, we run it and we’ll do with it whatever we want to do. And if the rules keep changing?? Tough… we’re Apple!!

What was written… “Contrary to published reports, Apple has not rejected the Google Voice application, and continues to study it. The application has not been approved because, as submitted for review, it appears to alter the iPhone’s distinctive user experience by replacing the iPhone’s core mobile telephone functionality and Apple user interface with its own user interface for telephone calls, text messaging and voicemail.”

What was meant…”Okay, you caught us… We did tell one developer we were pulling his app after we had already approved it. And yeah, we did refund customers who asked their purchase price and charge it back to the developer. Then again, you didn’t think WE were going to take a financial hit for our decision did you?

So let’s try this approach instead… would you believe…”

What was written… “Apple spent a lot of time and effort developing this distinct and innovative way to seamlessly deliver core functionality of the iPhone. For example, on an iPhone, the “Phone” icon that is always shown at the bottom of the Home Screen launches Apple’s mobile telephone application, providing access to Favorites, Recents, Contacts, a Keypad, and Visual Voicemail.”

What was meant… “See that phone icon? We made it. And because we… Apple… made it, it is the best phone icon ever made. There has never been one quite like it. (Isn’t it pretty??)

If you think we’re going to let some user put a sub-standard phone icon where OUR icon is… and relegate our phone icon to the back page… you have another thing coming! I mean seriously, is that not the nicest phone icon you have ever seen???”

What was written… “The Google Voice application replaces Apple’s Visual Voicemail by routing calls through a separate Google Voice telephone number that stores any voicemail, preventing voicemail from being stored on the iPhone, i.e., disabling Apple’s Visual Voicemail.”

What was meant… “Visual voicemail is amazing. It’s visual… and it’s voicemail. Get it? Visual… voicemail. Aren’t we creative?? Visual + Voicemail… how could anything be better.

What’s that? With Google Voice people can READ their email instead??? So it’s REALLY visual voicemail??? That’s neat but it isn’t… or visual voicemail… Now that’s special.”

What was written… “Similarly, SMS text messages are managed through the Google hub—replacing the iPhone’s text messaging feature. In addition, the iPhone user’s entire Contacts database is transferred to Google’s servers, and we have yet to obtain any assurances from Google that this data will only be used in appropriate ways.”

What was meant… “Don’t you know.. you can trust us! Really! And you can trust AT&T! Really! But those Google guys? You can’t trust them. They’re web-based. And just look at their eyes. Google- bad. Apple- good.

You people should be thanking us for protecting you! Seriously!

What was written… “These factors present several new issues and questions to us that we are still pondering at this time.”

What was meant… “Okay, we’re lying through our arrogant teeth but you have to buy at least part of this… right? And that’s worth some credit? Right? By the way did we happen to mention… WE’RE APPLE.

Okay, serious rant for a moment.

Does Apple think the FCC is stupid?

First up lets take this outright, boldfaced lie-
Apple wrote… “Contrary to published reports, Apple has not rejected the Google Voice application, and continues to study it.”

A. Apple told at least one of the developers whose app was pulled that it was now rejected.

B. Google was apparently told their app was rejected as well.

C. Apple has been refunding the purchase price of these apps to anyone who bought them and now request a refund

So they are giving back the money for the period of time they are studying it?? Come on.
Then there is this–

Question 4. Please explain any differences between the Google Voice iPhone application and any Voice over Internet Protocol (VoIP) applications that Apple has approved for the iPhone. Are any of the approved VoIP applications allowed to operate on AT&T’s 3G network?

Answer- Apple does not know if there is a VoIP element in the way the Google Voice application routes calls and messages, and whether VoIP technology is used over the 3G network by the application.

You have got to be kidding me. Apple doesn’t know if there is a VoIP dimension to the Google Voice app?? Have they even tried the app? I mean, they’re Apple for crying out loud and THEY don’t know if there is a VoIP dimension to the app?

I wish Apple could get slapped with a fine for insulting the intelligence of the FCC and thinking all of us are morons.

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Related posts:

1. FCC looking at Apple and the decision to pull Google Voice
2. AT&T To FCC On Google Voice- “It Wasn’t Us… Seriously”