Have you been struggling with an addiction to the internet? You could check yourself into ReSTART, an inpatient facility designed to help you break your need to check facebook every 15 seconds. Or you could try my patented, scientifically tested method to break the world wide web’s crushing grip on your brain. (Legal notice: the phrases “patented” and “scientifically tested” are not independently verified and are being used as hyperbole ONLY. Do not try this at home.)

Step One:

Cut your ties to the interwebs. This needs to be a clean break. Everything connects to the internet these days; printers, gaming consoles, cameras, even refrigerators. So you need to be strong. Cut the power to your house. Now, your family might be a bit concerned, even angry, but as long as you start this at night they’ll have until sunrise to find you and yell at you for it.

Step Two:

Take up a disconnected hobby. Exercise might be good; if you’ve been spending all your time in front of a computer you want to start slow. Join a local gym! But nothing too fancy, since higher end gyms sometimes give you internet access on the treadmill TVs. Or try working out at home. Try Crossfit.com, they have home workouts you can do each da…oh wait, that’s online. Scratch that. Start by ducking the objects your family is probably still throwing at you from Step 1. Try to avoid head wounds!

Step Three:

Get out of the house and out into the community. Try your local bookstore. If you are still a bit shakey about your new recovery, you can read books about the internet! Your local Barnes and Noble has books like this, and this…but they are awfully pricey, aren’t they? Just grab your iPhone and buy them for the Amazon Kindle and then…crap…right, no internet. Well, since you turned off the power, you’re saving money this month. Splurge on a paper book or two! Hit the mall! What do you mean you can get everything cheaper on eBay? Go to your local fleamarket if you want to haggle!

Step Four:

Congratulations! If you’ve made it through Steps 1 through 3 without a visit to the hospital from Step 2 and without maxing out your credit card in Step 3, you’re cured! Get back online and catch up with all the emails, status updates and tweets you missed. By the time you’ve caught up, it’s time to start Step 1 all over again!

In all seriousness, addiction is a very bad thing. If you or someone you know is suffering from any addiction or debilitating obsession, please get them the help they need. Please do not try these steps at home.