Online Dating

• Online Dating Services: I Need Your Stories
• Online Dating: Choosing a Site
• Online Dating: Writing Your Profile
• Online Dating: the Do’s and Don’ts
• Online Dating: the Experience
• Online Dating: Happily Ever After?

Here’s a token of my openness
Of my need to not disappear
How I’m feeling, so revealing to me
I found my mind too clear
I just need someone to be there for.. me
I just want someone to be there for.. me

-”No Way”, by Pearl Jam

In May 2008, I started my online dating experiment with the help and encouragement of many good friends; in July, I wrote what would be my last post on the subject for well over a year.

There was always an understanding that I would write another installment entitled “Happily Ever After?”, and its draft has incubated in my queue for nearly the entire time — loaded with experiences contributed by personal friends and Gear Diary readers.

I would have wrapped this series up and posted ages ago, but I needed to finish my portion of the story, and find a way to put things that were happening to me into words; the fact of the matter is that I was too close to the subject, and I just wasn’t ready to share yet.

Now, I finally feel ready …

When we last left off, I had recently started dating Kevin — a guy I had known socially and professionally for years, previous to “discovering” him on Yahoo Personals. We were less than a month into our relationship, and much of that time had been spent getting to know each other better and enjoying the reactions of our friends and family as they learned about “us”.

Client One: Talks to a guy on eHarmony for weeks and finally asks how tall is he.  She doesn’t like tall guys.

He says: Technically I am 6 feet tall.

She says:  What do you mean?

He says:  I was six feet tall before my accident.  Now I am in a wheel chair, so the world doesn’t see me as a tall man.

Synopsis:  He is a motivational speaker, goes to high schools to talk to kids about risk taking.  She is a deeply spiritual woman who judges no on the outside, but the inside.  They meet and date for a year.  She falls in love with him and with his service dog.  They are the perfect couple.  Wedding is lovely.  Dog is best man. – submitted by Aura Mae [her client used eHarmony]

You see, and I may have mentioned it before, but one of the odd truths about online dating — assuming both parties are brutally honest in their profiles and in their “getting to know you emails” — is that you go into potential relationships knowing things about each other that most conventional couples only discover after having spent quality time together.

Kevin and me

I’m talking about major things like how the other person really feels about religion — and I don’t mean the wishy/washy ’spiritual but not religious’ that so many people like to use as a cop-out — I mean how they really feel and what they really believe … or don’t. You’ll have an idea as to whether or not the other person really wants any (or perhaps more) children, their politics and world view, their level of education, and in some cases – even their income level.

Of course you also go into the first date with an idea of the other person’s favorite TV shows, favorite music and whether they enjoy reading – and if so, who their favorite authors are.

After a year or two, [Mitchie] decided to visit me, and she stayed almost 6 weeks instead of the intended 3 to 4 weeks. Half a year later, I visited her in Malaysia – and married her there. She decided to quit her job in Malaysia and follow me to Germany. Our daughter Zuleikha was born on Dec. 27th, 2004.

I never ever visited one of those so-called “Online Dating” sites. These are mostly “services” who make money with the loneliness of people, and their mix-and-match algorithms are – humm – questionable, I think (I’ve seen some, and even with my limited math capabilities I understood that the quality of their results couldn’t really be quite high).

Wolfgang, Mitchie and Zuleikha

So – was it coincidence that I met my wife “virtually” first? One one thought, yes – I just started chatting, and you can do the same within your local community (clubs, pubs, recreational or not-for-profit activities of any kind, like the firefighters or whoever).

But on the other hand, it surely had some advantages to find someone without caring much for looks, or having that famous “important five seconds” of first sights – instead of this, I more or less found someone who *thought* equally about many things; who had studied in the US (around half of the world from her place), and that her photo knocked me off of my shoes was really a long long time before we even thought about visiting each other, so that didn’t mean too much. – Wolfgang, 51 [IRC]

It’s the small things about each other that I think online couples have to learn over time — what the other person’s habits are, whether they have obnoxious tics or etiquette, how they treat others, whether they’ll embarrass you in public by bursting into song (that is, unless you actually like that sort of thing) — all of the little details that people who have gotten to know each other in the “real world” might already know about each other before the first date.

Well lets see…Logan and I actually joined eHarmony right about the same time (October 2007), and were matched after about a week of being on the site.  The next week we had our first phone conversation and, as cliche as it sounds, I felt like I was talking to someone I had known forever.  We talked on the phone every day from then on.

Unfortunately I was working out of state at the time so we had to wait 5 weeks to actually meet in person.  I’m fairly certain that I probably broke every rule in the online dating book (and actually probably every dating rule in general).  I don’t play the dating game very well.  I’m too impatient to play the game and too open and honest to maintain the mystery. Fortunately for me, Logan turned out to be the exact same way.

To this day I’m still not sure what those 29 levels of compatibility are, but they couldn’t have picked a more perfect person for me.  We have a ridiculous amount of things in common.  While I do believe we are perfect for each other, our relationship has not all been smooth sailing.  We’ve had some some really great moments but we’ve definitely hit our share of potholes and been through some difficult times.  However, the fact that we were able to make our relationship stronger from those experiences just reinforces that we really are meant to be together.

Leslie & Logan

In February of this year, Logan got stationed in another state.  The long distance relationship put a whole new twist on things, but it made us both realize how much we hate being without each other.  When I went to see him in May he proposed!  So now here we are, 3 weeks away from our “happily ever after!”  As reluctant as I was to join eHarmony, it turned out to be the best decision I’ve ever made – Leslie, 26 [eHarmony]

Kevin had done the online dating thing for years after his divorce. He had used Match.com and Yahoo Personals predominantly, and through them he met and dated several women within a 50 mile radius; one of those relationships even lasted for about a year. Kev says that he had resolved himself to the fact that anyone who was going to perfectly match him was not going to be local, and so he had opened his search to include “any distance”. He wasn’t sure what he would do if an ideal match appeared who lived across the country, but he hoped she would be willing to relocate.

It’s been two years; we’re still very happy together and we’re now engaged. I hope the happiness continues for a long time to come.

So that’s my story. It wasn’t any specific feature of match.com that worked, it was just an easy to use website, and we were able to click because of it. I also think my experience highlights an important aspect of online dating (at least for me it did): no matter who you’re looking for, the bigger the website, the better the variety. The gay-only sites had so fewer people compared to match, chemistry, and yahoo, that they weren’t worth the money for me. I think that probably goes for just about anyone…bigger pond, more fishies. – name withheld, 28 [planetout.com, match.com]

Kevin says that he was lonely and ready to meet someone — he was even to the point that he was considering moving several hours away from his ranch if it meant that he could meet the right person, although he really didn’t want to. Subscribing to eHarmony was his “last ditch effort”, and it had not yielded any matches in Texas.

But of course it’s not the service that ended up matching us, either.

I don’t know if it really qualifies as online “dating” exactly, but I DID meet my wife online. This was back in the internet “dark ages” of 1998, when everyone was on AOL for chatting..

I had attended a concert for a musician we both like, and had posted some photos online. She saw them, and we exchanged some comments on the message boards. Eventually (Like 3 days later – LOL) she emailed me directly and we began chatting via IM. That progressed to phone calls, and shortly after I took the plunge and drove to meet her. (I had been working in Denver, and she was in CA)

Judy & Deni

The moment I saw her, there was never a question – we were meant to be together forever. I handed over copies of my drivers license, SSN and my mothers phone number to her very protective boss, since we were going to a hotel for the weekend, and they wanted to ensure that I wasn’t going to kidnap her or something!

We had a wonderful weekend, and shortly after that, I relocated to CA and we have been together ever since – more than 11 years.

We’ve had tons of ups and downs since then – the loss of parents, medical issues and more extended family issues than should be allowed. But, I can’t imagine my life without her in it.

And, when CA law allowed it last year, we were finally able to be legally married, and had a lovely wedding on the beach with our friends and family. Deni, 40 [AOL]

Kevin had been divorced for over four years when we started dating. In his words, he was comfortable with being alone, but he was lonely. He was completely satisfied with his life, and didn’t necessarily want to be married again, but he did want to have someone special to spend time with.

I went to visit Steven in Mississippi in March, turkey hunted for the first time in my life.  Met his father and mother and grandparents.  Funny thing is, his grandparents reminded me a lot of my own parents.  I went to visit Steven again in May in Texas, killed my first turkey and became addicted – to Steven and hunting.  Which is good, since I couldn’t have one without the other.  During this visit, we decided we wanted to get married, picked out a spot where we’d like to build a home, and made plans on telling our families.

Steven & June

Steven came to Canada to visit us in May and then in on July 5th, we crossed the border into the US.  We married on July 20th, 2006.  We built our own home that summer and fall.

To say that it has been perfect would be a lie, but each day we are together, we grow closer and I am thankful for Steven and our life together.  We truly “fit”.  I can’t imagine anyone else better suited for me.  June, 34 [eHarmony]

I wasn’t looking for a relationship, much less a serious one. I was in the middle of a self-imposed six month long dating hiatus, and to be completely honest — I was working with a therapist to clear up lingering damage from a disastrous marriage that had ended more than a year before. I was gun shy, and the thought of marrying again gave me the willies. That’s not to say that I didn’t like the idea of marriage; I just didn’t think that anyone could live up to my expectations, and I was never going to settle or compromise again. If it meant being alone, then so be it.

Client Two: Uses eHarmony for many weeks and then sends an email to customer service.

“I took all your quizzes and I am pretty sure that I was crystal clear to you that I am shallow and that looks are important to me.  Why do you keep sending me ugly men?”

Switched to match.com and had better luck, but nothing that has turned long term. – submitted by Aura Mae [client used eHarmony and match.com]

Don’t get me wrong though, there were times when I absolutely hated (hated!) the fact that I was alone — like the time when Gear Diary hit 1,000,000 unique visitors, and I had no one special to share that huge milestone with, or when Sarah graduated, and it really hit me that my “baby” wasn’t always going to be around.

When I was in college my roommate’s mom did online dating.  The guy came and lived with her for close to a year.  Then, he cleaned her out and went back to his wife. – Doug Goldring

For the most part I was okay with being alone; I guess I was in limbo more than anything. I was waiting for something to happen or change, but I wasn’t sure what it would be, nor was I necessarily ready for it. In the meantime, I was spending a lot of time with friends and rediscovering how much I enjoy being social — not being holed up like a hermit in a cave. Weekends were spent going dancing or having cookouts, and my weeks were spent working. Overall, life was very good.

And then, along came Kevin.

Shawn and I will celebrate our third wedding anniversary in March. We have been together for a total of six years now and he is the best husband, friend, and partner in crime I could ask for. Relationships do take work, ours included, but those normal things aside he makes me pretty effortlessly happy, and I hope I do the same for him. Like I have said before, I didn’t expect my first date from the online dating service to be the man I was going to marry, but I guess I just got extremely lucky!

Shawn was the only guy I ended up going out with, but when I was getting to know him via email before we met, I was talking to other guys too. They never really got the chance to take me out, but most of the guys who contacted me seemed nice. I got some duds–married sleazeballs wanting a piece on the side, guys who couldn’t spell sending me creepy messages–but overall, the guys who responded to my ad seemed pretty normal, looking for the same thing I was. I used my good judgment on who I did or did not communicate with and it served me well. I liked being able to control that, having gotten burned in the past by not going with my gut when I thought my gentleman caller was lying or cheating. Thank goodness I met Shawn–he restores my faith in the good guys out there, and I have online dating to thank for it. – Jessica, 30 [the Onion Personals]

So Kevin and I went on our epic Fredericksburg first date. After a fabulous day, we spent the entire ride home going over potential deal-breakers — going so far as to discuss what medications we were both taking and why. Looking back, it was completely surreal how much we shared, but that only shows how comfortable we were from the very beginning.

In August 2001, Emmanuel flew me to Las Cruces and every month thereafter until I decided to move to Las Cruces in December 2001. On February 10, 2002, he proposed in front of his church during a special Valentine’s Day Service. Naturally, I accepted and we became husband and wife on August 17, 2002. We continue to live happily in Amarillo, TX while serving the Lord.

We both thank God for Christiancafe.com because it was through their site that we had the wonderful opportunity to meet and fall in love. Indeed, it was fate and technology that ultimately stepped in and allowed us to find each other and become husband and wife.

Emanuel & Adelita

We now have two children together and this coming August, we will celebrate our 6th year in marriage! Our story is found here. – Adelita Burgos [ChristianCafe]

Kev says that it was while on our ride back that he “knew”; I like to tease him that I “knew” after reading his profile. It’s fun to talk about when the realization hits you, that what you are dealing with is something special, that it matters and that it must be nurtured; but of course the true test of any relationship comes in the day to day — the things that happen once you have got past those first few months, when you are so caught up in the newness of the “us” that you don’t notice any of the other person’s imperfections.

And we were a long way from that point back then.

I had a relationship finally wrap up towards the end of 2008 and  was taking a little break from the action.  I attended a wedding on  Valentine’s Day for a good friend of mine down in Melbourne and he had  met his bride on RSVP 5 years before.  At the wedding he encouraged me  to get active again and have some fun.  I had been mulling around going  on RSVP for a couple of weeks and when I flew home that evening, I  activated my profile and started looking around.

The very next day one of the entries in my Inbox  was from ‘Collette’ and we started emailing, then talking, and finally  met later that week.  Mind you, I did look around and saw other lovely  ladies besides ‘Collette’ but she kept my interest, and the others fell  away quite quickly.  Nine months later we are closer than ever and who  knows, maybe she is the one! – Drew [RSVP]

One of the things that was perhaps easier for Kevin and me than for other online couples, is that we had mutual friends who knew us both very well. I recently rediscovered this email that I had written to my friend Steven (yes, the same one mentioned in this article who had met his wife June through eHarmony), about a week after Kev’s and my first date. Steven and I have been friends since 1997ish, so I would say he knows me pretty well. Since this entire series is loaded with “TMI”, I figured I would go ahead and share:

subject: so yeah…this online dating thing?

Kevin and I are dating now, thanks to it. Thought I  would let you know…

Steven immediately replied with:

OH you have to freakin’ elaborate: when, how, and why now? Not meaning that in any mean way, but I think its kinda cool that the two of you have kinda casually known each other for several years and I’m guessing something kinda clicked now? Well SHIT, you both coulda’ just paid me $169.99 and I woulda set you up on a lunch date at  Rosa’s in Eldorado…..

Steven always was a smartass.

My reply:

Oh you just won’t believe how this happened…seriously. So I joined Yahoo for the article; remember how I mentioned in the article that I had joined Yahoo that night for a month so I could see the other profiles? I did a quick search of guys my age within  50 miles, and he popped up. I didn’t even read his profile – just  sent a stupid email asking how it was working for him, and did he have any tips. Then I read his profile, and was like…whoa. That was Friday. So he emailed me back and asked me to dinner. That was  Saturday. He came over for a couple of hours so we could talk on Saturday night, and then we went to Fredericksburg Sunday…and  yeah. Dating now. <<insert huge shit- eating grin>>

Steven’s reply:

So its safe to say your initial impression of Kevin, based on the little you knew, wasn’t the same as it was once you read his profile online? Another advantage of online dating…….. you have the opportunity to get to know someone in ways that you otherwise wouldn’t. I think that would be a good idea for you….the one with firsthand experience now…. to expand on in your article. [June and I] think it’s kinda neat ourselves that the two of you are dating, I can honestly say I didn’t see it coming, but I do wish the two of you the best and hopefuly things will work out in a good way for you both…….. and I thought you mighta hit him up for some fence building…… HA!!!!

And mine:

Let’s put it this way: I have always thought he was a good-looking guy and nice enough, but we didn’t really socialize, so I didn’t know anything of him other than the little bits that you all told me, party banter, crap like that. Now I’ve come to find out that he is one of the most amazing people I have ever spoken with…and it’s like, how was he hiding just 50 miles away? You are also correct that I will be mentioning this is my article, about how the profiles allow you to know things about people that you  otherwise wouldn’t. I just…damn. Finding someone that you click with so nicely, and then to realize you already were acquainted is just too wild.

And Steven’s final reply:

I’m glad the two of you hit it off….. good for you both!! Keep me updated as to how things go as it progresses. It’ll be interesting from my standpoint to see how the two of you merge together. Not trying to jump the gun or anything but just saying how as two people date they kinda merge their lives together. Just from an outsiders point you look at two people you know seperately and wonder how they’ll change things to be together….I’m speculating  that it’ll be good for you both.

All that just one week in from a good friend. Was Steven prescient, or what?

Being a teenager more interested in computers than athletics wasn’t something that helped me achieve dating stardom while in high school. Of course, it was around my high school years that the internet was first available to many, and one day in 10th grade I realized that there were web sites that you could post personal ads on and actually maybe find a date. For some reason it never occurred to me that not many other 16 year olds would feel the same way and respond to my post – and it’s probably a good thing that never crossed my mind or I wouldn’t have posted in the first place! Back in 1999 you didn’t have to be over 18 to post on Yahoo! Personals (Actually, you didn’t have to be over 13 or over anything at that time to do pretty much anything online), so one day in January I posted my quick blurb under the ultra sexy handle “LargeManOfLove82” – a rip off of both a local DJ’s radio handle and my birth year. Amazingly, I got responses.

And perhaps more amazingly, they were all (as best I know to this date) from 15-18 year old females. Now while I met very few of them in person, I did talk with most of them on the phone and unless these 40-year-old predators had amazing falsettos, I’m pretty sure I was talking to the real deal. In retrospect it’s actually quite amazing how well it worked out – only 1 real weirdo, no psychos, and some pretty interesting girls that I formed friendships with over the subsequent years. One of those girls would turn out to be my future wife, Karey!

Jon & Kerry Westfall

Karey had responded to my ad around March of 1999, so around 2 months from the initial posting. She was very guarded in what she would tell me at first, something I re-assured her was totally fine by me. She had found my ad in the Cleveland area even though she lived outside of Pittsburgh, around 2 ½ hours from my house. Her rationale was that she had family in the Cleveland area, which meant that she may be able to meet someone who lived there, as she lived in a pretty rural community in western Pennsylvania. We talked on the phone, we IM’ed (on ICQ no less), and in June I drove (With my mother… wonderful vestiges of near-freedom as a teenager) down to meet her. The relationship progressed very well, and aside from the distance issue (Which could be a whole additional piece), we were happy.

Looking back on this and reflecting on the current state of online dating, I feel that Karey & I were extremely lucky. Yahoo! Personals was wholly dependent on the individuals who were reading and responding to ads in terms of creating successful matches. Today other options have emerged, one of which I have taken a great interest in is the whole idea of personality matching. As an experimental psychologist, I rarely deal with personality variables – I tend to work more on variables that focus more on cognitive or situational differences as drivers of behavior. However it is undeniable that matching personalities are essential to the success of a relationship. The old saying that “Birds of a feather flock together” has been proven both anecdotally to me, and through research to the world of psychology, to be much more accurate than Opposites Attract. OK, maybe opposites attract, but not usually for very long! – Jon Westfall [Yahoo Personals]

Within a week of dating each other, driving back and forth between Eldorado and San Angelo was already becoming a near daily ritual. Kevin and I had talked about when we would meet each others kids, thinking that maybe we would wait a bit, but we quickly realized how silly that was. It’s like we already knew that we were going to be a blended family; it wasn’t a matter of how — it was a matter of when.

We hit it off that weekend and the next month she flew to Mississippi while I was on vacation and met my family, the following month she flew here to Texas to see where I lived. After that I flew up there a couple more times and the last I brought her and Logan back with me permanently. Throughout the difficult and stressful immigration process and everything that’s happened in the 2 1/2 years since then it was all worth it and I think it all happened because the two of us didn’t set any boundaries as to time or money when it came to wanting to really see if there was anyone out there just for us.

Steven & Logan

We both went into the online dating process with honesty, sincerity, and the utmost willingness to lay it on the line to find the right person, and I think for that reason it worked for us. I wouldn’t recommend anybody to do it if they weren’t willing to do it that way. There’s people out there looking for “dates”, “a good friend”, and “mates”.  I think a person has to know what they’re looking for and stick to that with a willingness to wade through all the rest in order to have a good online dating experience. I know I couldn’t have found the woman that was perfect for me any other way; hell, she was 2000 miles away in a foreign country. – Steven, 32 [eHarmony]

From the first meeting, everyone got along very well — Sarah, Kev’s girls, my mom, Kevin, and me. I’ll admit that having young girls around was an adjustment for me, as I had just become used to having a nearly independent adult child, but it was comfortable. Almost a year and a half later, it’s just second nature.

Kevin, me, Sarah, Jordan & Kelsey

In September — only a few months after we had started dating, Kevin proposed and I accepted. We both knew that we weren’t going to rush into marriage, Kevin and I were just “sealing the deal”.

I had written you after earlier post about meeting Jane.  We met on eHarmony and developed a fast connection. There was so much we had in common.

Shortly after we met online (but not in person or by phone) she started dating someone and felt they were moving forward. She emailed me and kindly told me she wanted to see how the relationship would work.  I told her I understood and if she kept the match open I wouldn’t bother her and if it didn’t work out, I’d love to hear from her.  A few weeks later she emailed me and wanted to continue to talk.  Little did I know she felt a connection with me and called off dating the other guy to get to know me.

Rick & Jane

Our first date was amazing.  One couple who ran into us referred to Jane as my wife.  It was a sign of how we fit together.   WOW.  We dated for a month or more and I became a scared “rabbit” and ran like hell.  The relationship was so good (after a divorce) that I couldn’t handle it.  After that I dated a few “toads” and realized just what I had run away from.  We’ve been dating now for about two years and I’ve found my soulmate.  I know that may sound silly but Jane is everything I’ve  wanted for 55 years……the one to spend the rest of my life with.  We’ve been engaged since this spring and hoping to get married this coming spring. – Rick [eHarmony]

The last year and a half has at times seemed to completely speed by as well as drag on, depending upon the circumstances. We have faced good and bad times together, dealt with major disappointments, illnesses and injuries, economic woes and booms, and through it all we have kept an even keel. In that time, we have also learned many of each others hidden quirks, what makes the other tick, how to avoid pushing each other’s buttons, and we have both found ways to effectively and immediately communicate when we are upset or worried about something. Through it all, we still marvel at the fact that we have so much in common, and we enjoy so many of the same things. Kevin is a science geek, and he has taught me much. I’d like to think that I have taught him just as much about the world of shiny gadgets.

I didn’t feel funny about meeting people that way at all [online dating services] – especially since we were both in the same or similar situations. I did it because I figured it would “increase my chances”  it did, but nothing serious or long term came out of it. Why aren’t I doing it now? Because it got old for me. -  Rob, 33 [j-date]

Kevin and I will be married in the middle of 2010, and I am truly looking forward to spending the rest of my life with this man.

Would Kevin and I have ended up together without the aid of Yahoo Personals? I honestly can’t say. I don’t know that he would have ever worked up the nerve to ask me out, and I don’t know if our friends would have ever thought to match us. We didn’t really run into each other enough to ever even consider the prospect. We could have just as easily continued to circle each other like satellites.

At least 25% of the wedding I officiate now are of couples who met online. The funny thing is that even after all this time – most STILL don’t want it mentioned! I’ve found that couples fall into two camps – one group things it is so cool and they want EVERYONE to know the other, “you are the rabbi so we answered honestly but DON’T YOU DARE TELL ANYONE” – Rabbi Dan Cohen

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1. Online Dating: the Experience
2. Online Dating: Choosing a Site
3. Online Dating: Writing Your Profile
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