I’ve received several requests recently about doing article on the ins and outs of online dating, and after a bit of thought, I decided to do it. So in order to give as broad a spectrum of how right or how wrong things can go when you are putting yourself “out there”, I’ve decided that I’ll need help…which is where you all come in.

I am collecting firsthand stories from friends and readers about their online dating service experiences, and I would love to hear yours if you have one. If you have a friend who has tried an online dating service, please pass my request on to them.

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All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

- “Eleanor Rigby”, by Paul McCartney

I don’t think that anyone necessarily plans to be alone and lonely; sometimes it just happens. Perhaps it’s because they got caught up in a career race, or they live somewhere with a limited dating pool. Maybe they’ve been dating the wrong person, they’re divorced, or perhaps it’s because they have simply postponed couplehood until nearly everyone they know is paired up, and the ones who aren’t simply don’t look appealing. However it happens, there comes a day when as satisfying as being a singleton may have been, they suddenly realize that they…are lonely.

Now let’s personalize the experience.

So here is how it often happens: you are sitting at home watching the television, alone of course, and a commercial comes on. Smiling, happy, loving couples flounce across the screen, and an announcer starts talking about how you don’t have to be alone anymore. That there is someone out there that is just like you, someone that will “get” you, someone that will understand why somebody as wonderful as you is still single, because that person is still single too – and they are just as wonderful.

The logical part of your brain will kick in at first. “Give me a break, the only people who would ever join an online dating service are losers; people who are socially inept or who are looking for a hook-up.”

But still, those couples taunt you…and you wonder.

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If you like Piña Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you’re not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you’d like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the Cape
Then I’m the love that you’ve looked for
Write to me and escape.

- “Escape”, by Rupert Holmes

One of the single largest make-or-break components when creating a successful online personal ad is the Profile. This bit of writing is supposed to give the reader, your potential match, enough information about you to create an illusion of knowing you, without telling him or her enough to scare them away. The pictures you post are supposed to complement the profile, while giving an accurate idea of how you look now – not some fuzzy lighted “Glamor Shot”, and definitely not a picture from 20 years ago. It seems like this would be an easy enough task to complete, but you might be surprised at how quickly everything can go wrong based on misuse and misunderstanding of these two little features.

If I had a dime for every profile I have read so far where the guy writing said the last book he’d read was Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code (which, hello – came out in 2003!); where the guy WROTE EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS EASIER TO READ (please, stop shouting at me, I am not deaf!); where the guy said he was most thankful for: air, water, food, and land (I mean…seriously?); where the guy published photos that were so small I had to squint, or photos where he was hidden behind a desk, or where he was drinking (urgh), or where he was wearing no shirt; or profiles where the guy said that he would “tell [me]  later“, when quite frankly? If you can’t tell me now there will be no later!; then I would have enough to purchase a really nice meal for all of us on a night out with my girls.

So, as you have probably figured out, this installment is going to cover writing a profile that will make you stand out in a good way, put the essence of “you” out there, and hopefully not cause enough damage that prince or princess charming will hit the “close” button before any contact has occurred.

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In the car I just can’t wait,
to pick you up on our very first date
Is it cool if I hold your hand?
Is it wrong if I think it’s lame to dance?
Do you like my stupid hair?
Would you guess that I didn’t know what to wear?
I’m too scared of what you think
You make me nervous so I really can’t eat
- “First Date”, by Blink 182

So you’ve picked the online dating site or sites that you would like to join, you’ve created what you think is a fabulous profile, you’re getting “winks”, “nudges”, communication requests or emails from potential matches; you might have even shared a phone call with one or two of them, and you’re starting to think that maybe someone long-term could possibly be just around the corner. Maybe you are right, but then…maybe you shouldn’t be too hasty about pinning your hopes on the first potential who crafts a good email or talks a good game.

This portion of my online dating series is about setting expectations somewhere in the realistic realm and avoiding some of the pitfalls that can be encountered during the early days of online dating. All of this is, of course, assuming that you are serious about meeting someone “serious”, and assuming that you don’t luck into Prince (or Princess) Charming immediately.

I was given quite a bit of advice from Wayne when I started this Online Dating Site experiment, and I also received some good tips from eHarmony and tech guru Jon Westfall; I’ll pepper those nuggets throughout this writeup, and let you know about all the different ways that I either did or didn’t follow their wisdom.

Here are a few common overall rules for successful online dating. These rules aren’t absolute, people who break them can find success. Following the rules generally helps to stack the odds in your favor.

The whole purpose of online dating is to evaluate someone for a potential relationship (usually long term). This is done via meeting face to face. Until you meet someone you have no idea whether you’d be compatible for a long term relationship. Extended email, instant messenger and phone relationships – without meeting in person – don’t fall under the typical definition of online dating. A good rule of thumb is 3 to 6 email exchanges followed by one or two phone conversations – then meet face to face.

That’s right – you must get yourself out from behind the keyboard and in front of the person you are considering dating. And the sooner the better. – Wayne

It’s interesting to note that I was in absolutely no hurry to follow Wayne’s rules about spending time with anyone when I started this experiment, and make no mistake about it – it was just an experiment. I was gung-ho about email exchange, maybe even participating in a phone call or two, but I wanted to keep the actual meeting somewhere in the far-off and murky future. That’s probably because, if the truth be told, I wasn’t really interested in dating anyone just yet. There; I said it.

But it would seem that things never work out the way you plan, and it would also seem that when you aren’t really looking for something, you are more likely than ever to find it.

But I digress…

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You’re cinematic razor sharp,
A welcome arrow through the heart,
Under your skin feels like home,
Electric shocks on aching bones,

Give me a chance to hold on,
Give me a chance to hold on,
Give me a chance to hold on,
Just give me something to hold on, to…
- “You’re All I Have”, by Snow Patrol

I told you all about my experiences with eHarmony and Yahoo in the last installment, and now it’s time to share some pearls of wisdom and experiences from some of Gear Diary’s brave readers regarding their own online dating processes. These are folks who have boldly gone through the same basic experience, and good or bad – they have lived to tell about it…

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